Adjusting for the Unjust

It’s 2020, the start of a new decade. We’re in the United States of America, living the American dream. As women, we’ve got the right to drive, work, speak up, get an education, vote, protest, have likes, have dislikes, wear what we want, dance, laugh how we want—you name it.

But growing up, there was always a little bit of confusion—a little bit of contradiction—between the world outside and the world at home. We said women were equal, right? Yet from the age of 10 it was always—

Niliza, don’t wear shorts in the house. Why? Guys are walking around shirtless.

Niliza, don’t laugh that loud. Why? Since when is happy wrong? 

Niliza, don’t go out at night. Why? My brother doesn’t come home until after midnight.

Niliza, don’t dance so much. Why?

Niliza, don’t talk so much. Why? 

The replies were always variations of “chup” or “log kya kahenge”, typically thrown around left and right by the women themselves.

One meant be quiet. One meant what will people say. Neither providing a chance to engage in genuine conversation or be open minded.

To my parents and the parents of any South Asian daughter—

You left India, came to America and raised your children because you were escaping injustices brought on by sexist, old school ways that hindered the opportunities, growth and confidence for your daughters. Yet so many of you choose to continue that trend here with those little words—chup and log kya kahenge—and even more—jungli, chalak and tez—when a girl chooses to embrace her wit and liveliness.

Words are powerful. We say they make or break a person. So to men and women—when it comes time to raising your daughters, being around your nieces or talking to any little ones for that matter, be thoughtful of the words you use and how you can contribute to their growth. Don’t stifle them, don’t ask them to “adjust,” don’t try to control them.

Inspired by Deepa Narayan’s “7 Beliefs that Can Silence Women.”