Putting One Foot in Front of the Other During a Pandemic

I made a few different attempts to start this piece with something inspirational to share with my new colleagues, but I kept deleting them. It all seemed inauthentic and forced. In my normal state, I am constantly invigorated by and curious about my surroundings, but I’m feeling raw and out of sorts. Weeks of this COVID-19 life is taking its toll on me, just as many others are experiencing. I’m out of whack on so many levels both physically and emotionally. I’m not getting enough sun, I’m not getting my usual amount of exercise, my diet is off, I still need a haircut, I miss going places and daily interaction with others, etc. I could go on and on. So could every other person out there living this new, bizarre reality. I’m well aware that there are others who have it much worse than I do. There are individuals right now who can’t afford to pay rent after layoffs and furloughs, and others waiting in long, winding lines of cars for bags of food to eat provided by the Houston Food Bank. I do keep this in my thoughts when I’m having a bad moment. 

I come from generations of family who lived through poverty, racism and other misfortunes. I myself have survived a lot in my 45 years, I’ve been a survivor since my earliest days. It’s in my dna. If you ever want to know specifics, ask me, otherwise I’ll spare the long details here. Overall, it’s made my character layered, resilient and bold. What I find curious is that enduring trauma has never defeated me. In fact, it has always pushed me to work harder in order to escape hardship. It’s often surprisingly made me hopeful about the future, because surely life gets better? It’s given me a very good, and often wicked sense of humor, because sometimes shit is so bad that all you can do is laugh and throw your hands up over it. I’ve been told my whole life to “keep going, keep moving forward. Don’t dwell on the tough things in life.” I suppose I’m struggling with this situation, because of the unknown. It’s so much unknown!

For someone who has lived through some troubling moments, I’m a little annoyed that I’m having such a hard time when I have my health, my family, and resources to survive. For the time being, I still plan to remain mostly at home while I can. I make one weekly trip to the grocery store in my mask, and I get the hell out as fast as I can. My only other ventures outside are to walk my 8 year old black lab named Maggie. Our pre-pandemic norm is to be outside taking long walks at least 3 times a day. It’s good for us both. Our daily walks typically clear my mind, and work off stress. Although we’re walking less these days, because now the streets are crowded with lots of other people escaping their four walls at home. Heading out for our walks has become a little daunting in itself in scoping out the scenario outside my door. Now I’m more aware of times when the streets are full with people escaping the indoors. Maggie doesn’t understand why I won’t let her approach another doggy with its owner, when tails are wagging and both pets seem eager to meet. I have to pull her away whimpering. She misses social interaction, too. So I have extra appreciation for the outdoors kitty who playfully followed us for an entire block early this morning. She genuinely wanted to interact with Maggie. 

With every step on my walks, I’m appreciative of the sights, sounds and smells of nature. It really is my only solace right now. A good squirrel chase on a tree trunk is humorous, the smell of jasmine is alive on so many of the streets nearby and the sight of the tiniest flower bed of colorful blooms that someone has taken care to plant, moves me these days. A few trends that emerged during quarantined times when so many stayed home were sidewalk art, teddy bear hunts and instrumental flash mobs in the front yard. Here are a few ways Houstonians spread some happiness in our neighborhoods during the stay-at-home order.

In the meantime (during this trying period in life), I still have things to be grateful for. My son won’t walk a stage during a commencement ceremony, but he will graduate high school. For someone who was diagnosed with a chronic condition two years ago, there were days when I didn’t know if he would make it to graduation, but he will receive his diploma.

Another great thing is that my husband is no longer furloughed, and is making his full salary once again, which is a huge relief for our family. 

Most exciting to me is that after working for the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston for almost 14 years, I decided to take a leap of faith, and applied for a new job position in a completely new field. It’s intimidating not to know a lot about marketing, and thrilling to have the opportunity to push myself and learn many new things. For somebody who was used to running a good portion of an institution on my own, and used to being the individual others came to for answers, I feel so green and in over my head at times. But that’s growth, right? To feel uncomfortable and a little lost is what forces you to stretch yourself and adapt. I feel like I’m doing this on a few levels in life right now. While on my walks, I let the sun beam down on me and try to take in its energy force. It’s one of my very few moments outside of the house, and I recognize its cathartic relevance. I keep moving one step at a time. My steps are literally only leading me back to my house right now. Figuratively, I have to believe that my steps, and our collective steps together, will weather this unsettling period and allow for a new beginning. What that will mean, I am not exactly sure, but I’m going to put one foot in front of the other, and embrace it all.